Weird Not Stupid

Weird Not Stupid

Back to 2009 and Reasons I Stopped Writing For a While

OK, I am back to write here full swing. I am going to try to write here once a week. However, I guess I need to tell you the important things.

My enthusiasm for New York started to wane because depression kicked in. Depression tends to come very unpredictably for some people and it came for me as well.

I became involved with a wonderful guy, but he just appeared in the wrong time. Depression does not let you live relationships fully, making the relationship short-lived. I won't mention much more for now as I got my reasons and I am not ready to reveal them all.

Depression creeps up in a very bad way. It is unpredictable. There is a weird chemical imbalance in your brain and can attack you at the wrong time. It attacked my sister when she had all she wanted at the time and it seemed to attack me. But now I am treating it. I am overall much better, although I got a recent relapse. When you are taking responsibility of your feelings and behaviors, it is a daily battle.

I created an action plan along with my therapist. It is a coping skills plan and I started implementing it last Wednesday. It is working well so far. One of my goals is writing here as well, but the way I have been writing here.

Road To Recovery Part 1

I am using New York and my passions as a reminder of the complete Self I am. Of course, the thoughts of the things that are making me anxious would appear, but overall I was successful.

I went to eat at Cafe Con Leche with my sister, my brother in law and a friend of his. At that time, I met a gal, Liz, who is going through some of the same things I am going through, so it is nice to find support. Through her, I learned about my current situation. At the same time, I enjoyed a walk in Central Park and got to know a Castle. Sis and I also cried together over recent deaths for five minutes, because some things in Central Park reminded us of loved ones. But we composed ourselves and at the end we enjoyed.

After I said goodbye to them, I enjoyed a leisurely walk through the streets of Manhattan, although I was looking for the 6 train, that would connect with the N or R trains to go to Astoria. I had a book club there. We were discussing The Kite Runner, which I finished fortunately before the tragic events and difficult decisions of last week happened to me. But the people were warm and friendly. I guess this is what I need, filling my life with more people and activities.

I missed going to the Mandir in Deepawali ("Festival of Lights" in India). I wanted to spend it even with Sahishnu and Laxmi or with Sattvic, but there were reasons why I couldn't do it, the only one I can reveal being that it would not be nice to go to a festival while mourning a death.

Anxiety came from time to time, but not as much. I guess I just needed to keep things fun but calm. I am not looking for excitement as much as I am looking for peace. And I think today I made a remarkable job.

Reflections, On How To Get Back to One's Self!

I have not felt like myself this past week. And by myself it means, the happy, peaceful girl who loves New York.

Way too much going on.

Several events went this past week that made me go in a retreat mood. I have not been this girl who speaks with a smile in her face... I need to recover her.

So, I have a game plan to recover that gal. It has included giving up a few things I have been happy with for a week. But there are other steps...

I need to reconnect with my passions. I think I have had lost touch with it a lot.
I am watching funny movies also.
Thought stopping, trying not to think the things that have overwhelmed me as a result of some events.
And also, thinking which events could I go. I need to reconnect with my passion for books and independent movies, which I have been doing, although not very heartedly.

I actually need to get back I touch with myself. This past week threw me out and I became very existential. I had to be my own Social Worker and my own client last Saturday, just taking a hard look at where I am and where my life is headed.

I am not known for giving up, mind you. If I am seeing I am lacking peace, I go ahead and recover it. I also need to tell others that you should never be hard on yourself when you become extremely anxious. It happens to the best of us. But the idea is to get back to where you have always been.

So, I am trying to cultivate a lot of passions this week that I need to cultivate, as well as taking a small course on new relaxation techniques. I need to put my life in order in order to share my usually happy self with others.

I am sure I will decompress this week.

In other words, if you feel overwhelmed about things, decompress. It is not a matter of staying alone, but a matter to get back in touch with your self and your center. Do a game plan, take a hard look at yourself, and come to grips with things if you need to.

On Goals, On Life, On Blogs

Geez, blogs require a discipline. If I want to blog, I am going to need such discipline myself. It has been a while since I wrote and there is a lot going on in my life worth blogging about.

I will summarize with lessons I have learned from life and New York.

• If Astoria had a Barnes and Noble and some galleries, it would be perfect.
• I have to stop reading into financial news. It is depressing! It spoils my mood.
• I am learning to type with all of my fingers. It is taking me a while to learn because of certain wired things in my brain, but I have never given up. In fact, I am good with accuracy right now, but I need to work on my speed.
• My new obsession right now is about books of communication. I am especially interested in learning to start conversations, be more assertive and learning body language.
• As for fiction, Sattvic gave me the book Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse. I have read the book before and also watched the movie quite a few times, but it is always worth watching again. In addition, I am finishing to read The Kite Runner.
• I love DUMBO in Brooklyn. I could not make it to all of the interactive stuff around, but even the art galleries were worth exploring. I also went with Sattvic to the Metropolitan Museum of art, which we naturally did not finish.
• I am taking a course of how to apply Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with clients. It is not related to my current job but it is related to my career. In a way, this is also therapy because in order to be an effective Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, I have to learn to apply it on myself. Now, I used to be extremely emotional before, so I already had some practice of how writing made me become less impulsive and emotional because I would step back and see the pattern of my thoughts. Now, I do NOT recommend showing the contents of the book to anyone else, because there is so much emotion pouring to it that it will give your loved ones the wrong idea.
• I will also take an Art of Living course later this month.
• Oh, on Monday I went to Winegasm here in Astoria. It is an amazing place to be. I met a few people but forgot the phone of one of them. I guess I will have to wait for next time.
  

Old Friends Random places And DUMBOs that are not elephants

Swapna and Harshit came and left too fast. With Swapna, I visited Omonia Cafe three times in a row. We also ate at Rice and Beans at the 9th avenue, and my best recomendation for you guys is to try the fried yuca and the deserts. I also took Swapna alone to Caracas Arepa Bar, where I am planning to take, G, Sahishnu and Laxmi, Som and his wife and Sattvic... At different times, of course.

The Kid decided to just swing back in my life, although we only talk occassionally. We still talk about a lot of stuff, and I know he is seeing someone else, and still going to clubs, which he likes.

Two weeks ago, I watched Loins of Punjab, which is a hillarious movie. The theatre is at Midtown Manhattan and is called Imaginasian. I would love to see more movies in this theatre. The group of people I went to see the movie with were warm and friendly and I am in touch with one of them. There are three more people who live in Queens I should get in touch with as well. We also went to Yuva, and it is a great restaurant.

A week ago, on a sunday, I decided to embark in one of my adventures. I decided to take the E train towards Jamaica, but I got down in Van Wick which is basically the middle of nowhere. I then decided to take a bus that would run through a significan portion in Queens, and leave you just at the shore of Manhattan. You can see a sharp contrast the more you get closer to Manhattan. The houses and stores go from more humble to more residential. I just stopped at Tierra Sana to grab a bite there (in my usual saving tradition, I get only apethizers!) and then got back to the same line towards Manhattan to meet Swapna and Harshit at the Empire State.

I want to leave this weekend for writing tonight. There are interesting experiences like the MOMA and the DUMBO festivals that need to be recorded in a single entry.

Vandalism With a Point, and the Fascination with Anti-Heros.

I was waiting for the subway in one station when I saw something that caught my eye.

If you ride the subway (and chances are good you do if you live in New York City and especially if you commute to Manhattan often), you know that vandalism in the subway stations is really common, and it is especially true when it comes to the sticky announcements. Faces with painted mustaches, with bubblegum on it or with written things are among the things you see in the subways.

So, this is what caught my eye: I have no cable TV but I know Showtime has all these popular shows, which are all lumped together in the same announcement. So you see the pictures of the protagonists of Californication, Weeds, The Tudors, State of the Union, Diary of a Call Girl and Dexter. In each of these, the vandalist wrote the moral flaws of these characters with the words "Hero?" under them. I don't remember what did he put in State of the Union, but I can tell you about the other five:
Californication: "Sex addict. Hero?"
Weeds: "Drug Dealer. Hero?
The Tudors: "Poligamist. Hero?"
Diary of a Call Girl: "Prostitute. Hero?"
Dexter: "Murderer. Hero?"

Well, Showtime seems to have a knack for anti-heros these days. Or maybe they are reflecting 21st century obsession with anti-heros? Are we recognizing we are humans or are we, as a generation tired of heroes who save the days in traditional ways, but we just don't want someone we identify with?

A Great Colorful Week

Last week was great in many ways (Although it was ominous in others, like the death of a dear friend of the family!

Monday: Went to Bryant Park for an international chat. It was interesting being with average joes and plain janes besides the tent where they were celebrating Fashion Week! Unfortunately, I could not stay for long because I had to go to see Bottle Shock at the Quad Cinema with another group. Not only the movie was worth it (not exactly a classic, but it was worth my 10 bucks!) but then I moved on to talk about the movie with two of the guys of the group in a cozy coffee shop! My perfect night!

Tuesday: A Friendly Neighbour decided to help me out to save while buying groceries. He took me to Costco's where he is a member and adviced me what was worth buying there!

Wednesday: Sattvic and I went to watch the game of the Mets Vs the Washington Nationals live! It was the first time for both of us and the first time watching a game. It was funny because then Sattvic and I both discovered we were both afraid of heights, but were watching the game from such a height anyway.
That night, we both returned to Jackson Heights and we both talked about love. We seemed to be on the same page except that at times I seemed more bitter. He said that he has been in love, and I replied that I am not sure I was ever in love "although I did love the guys I was with, and suffered for the breakups. He would tell me that his belief was that this kind of love comes with time and with the right person. All this discussion was while eating a Mexican food.

Friday: Sattvic was bored and decided to come over to my place. We watched Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo, and I showed him this blog. So in other words, he is the second person offline and the first in New York that knows about it, but we have grown to be very good friends and I am not being too revealing or personal in my blog anyway, so why not.

Saturday: I went to the art galleries of Chelsea on my own and then met G., Chaitya and Aish in a Jazz Bar in the West Village. It was yet another of those perfect nights! A jazz bar and four gals! (It felt like a Sex and the City chapter at times!) The only complaint I have is that I don't like to drink in public places and I had to pay 13 dollars for the stupid drink and had to force myself to drink a bit. G. gave me some ideas about how this could be worked out next time. I overall had fun with the gals!

Sunday: Another solo coffee shop day and then went to buy a variety of vegetables. Also caught up with Nishant (who is in India, but is moving to NJ (Woo Hoo!) and with S, after a while not chatting (Dang, when is he visiting New York anyway) I am also planning the weeknights with Swapna. I topped the week cooking an awesome pasta with vegetables, tomato paste and fake meat. Delicious!

The First Philosophical Entry: About Those Dentine Ads...

(Warning: It is cross-posted in my Livejournal!)

One of the things that attracts my attention about many of the subways in New York City is that publicity about a product or show takes a whole car of a train for promotion of a product.

Last friday, however, publicity worked on me. I saw those Dentine ads all over the cart I was riding on my way to meet a friend. Basically, this group of ads was playing with the ideology of how the internet seems to be, well dehumanizing us and what should be there instead. For example "The Ultimate Instant Message" is a picture of a kiss. "Friends Requested" has two people hugging each other. And "Chat Room Full" has a group of people lying on each other. And in the bottom of the ads, they say such things as "close the browser, get close" and stuff like that.

Of course, this is not the first time that such a philosophy is used to sell a product. I wonder what many media critics have to say about this. For me the whole thing was intriguing. What has a gum that cleans teeth has to do with re-humanizing us humans anyway? Will Dentine return that? What about bloggers like myself? Should we become lecturers.

I am not one who plays in the anti-Internet campaign, mind you. I love it! I love the possibilities it gives me to communicate with others! It brought me the possibility to meet likeminded people offline here in New York.

Anyway... I think those Dentine ads are, indeed, intriguing.

Looks Like I Need to Get Back In Loop

OK, I have come out of the shadows.

I have gotten to know more of Astoria. There is a meetup group devoted to dinner here, and I go from time to time. I already went to Indigo Lounge and I shared my table with an interesting bunch of people including a smart American gal who has travelled to a lot of countries (can't remember her name). The guys were fun too. I am looking forward to meet the group again.

Last saturday I hung out with G. to watch a Hindi movie: Bachna Ae Hasino. There, I met two of G's cousins who were cool fellows. We went to eat at Coffee Shop Bar and talked a lot before I visited Ganesh at his university. Ganesh told me he was attracted to me and I turned him down. I am not ready to tell you why yet. In fact, there are other changes in my life that I am still not ready to tell. Hopefully, Ganesh and I are still good friends. He is a very cool guy to hang out with.

As for Bachna Ae Hasino... The ending was happy but unrealistic. I would have prefer the ending with the protagonist's redemption alone, but what to do.

Today I was going to watch a movie or two at the ACE film festival. I am still deciding. Satvic told me to be careful because there is going to be a storm, so I am really having second thoughts. And if the weather shows any indication, I don't think I will go down to Manhattan to party either. However, Sunday is full of options...

I am frequenting Sattvic's company quite a bit. We have both gone to the park in Astoria, as well as Central Park. JS and N. would join us (or to be more accurate, I would join them) and we went to Chipotle in Amsterdam Avenue. The Burrito Bowl is a good option for me, since I don't eat the bread in the Burritos. I also met the Ganesh Mandir with Sattvic and his mother.

The other thing. The Kid dissappeared from my life. We just wanted different things from each other.



Yesterday, after a visit, Sattvic left me on the 3oth Avenue in Astoria. I decided to eat at Goswabi on my own. I highly recommend the Veggie lovers sushi. It is delicious.